"I'm Sorry, So Sorry"

A Public Apology To Howard Stern
From
Al Westcott

Dear Howard:

I would like to make a public apology to you and say that I'm sorry for thinking that you broadcast indecent, obscene and sadomasochistic adult material to children. As your fans have pointed out to me, it's just comedy and satire.

Your fans tell me that the material you present takes courage, talent and conviction. And, listening to your penile proclivities, I'd have to add that it also takes a nimble hand and a sizeable (no pun intended) supply of handi-wipes.

I was also wrong for thinking that you are responsible for the deplorable condition of the radio industry. If there's one thing that you know nothing about it's responsibility.

It's not your fault that you have failed to mature beyond schoolyard jokes and jock strap humor. After all, you're just giving the millions of Howard Stern fans what they want. And it's obvious that they want Fart jokes, 'Faegs', nigger jokes and necrophelia.

To blame you for the condition of the public radio airwaves would be like blaming a dog for pissing on the carpet. It's not the pet's fault if the owners don't train them.

You can't help it if the radio industry has decided to cater to raging hormones. To blame you is to blame a pig for wearing lipstick. when, it is the farmer who is at fault for putting lipstick on a pig.

You have taken the amount of talent that you have and, like algae and pond scum, you have floated to the top of your chosen field. There are few people who could do so much with so little, and even fewer who would want to.

You have touched almost every aspect of society and you have exposed radio, Westinghouse and yourself, for what they are. You are 'Miss America' and 'Fartman'!

You have taken scatology, perversion, titilation and moral deficiency to their fullest potential. An ability that is seldom displayed by anyone doing less than 5 to 10 in Attica.

To your credit, you have overcome the obstacles of your childhood. You have shown the world that a bent limb on the ol' family tree is not necessarily a negative! Your descriptions of your childhood in the Stern house are inspirational and actually put 'fun' in dysfunctional.

Like a putrid specimen in an overexposed Petrie dish, your description of the Stern clan has aided science, sociology and psychiatry by verifying that Darwin, Kinsey and Barnum were right and your success proves that, even in a half empty gene pool, a turd still floats.

You have built a career from your mother Ray's inability to teach you respect for women and Momma Stern must beam with pride as she tells her coffee klatch how you bring women into your studio and spank their ass to music. I can just see her smiling as she dips her donut and listens to you tell the story of how you sodomize your wife.

How proud she must be when, as you've reported, she tells a clerk at a store that she is Howard Stern's mother in the hopes of getting a discount. Ah yes, the pride of being Ray Stern. Especially when it gets you 10% off at 'Nails R Us'.

You have told your listeners how Ray made you wear her panties to school and she must be joyful that you turned out to be the man and woman that you are today. It's a wonderful thing when a mother and son can share so much, especially each other's wardrobe.

Married to a man like Ben Stern, it's easy to see how your mother developed such unique parenting skills. By the way, does he still drink his Rob Roy's everyday?

You have told your fans of your father's ambitions of becoming a radio personality himself, and of the many hours he spent with you in his quiet little radio room letting you play with his microphone.

Ben Stern must stand erect and swell with pride in knowing it was his guiding hand that led you from a shy, introverted young boy to become Howard Stern, the "Golden Throat" of radio.

Ben must be full of self pleasure as he listens to your graphic discussions of the size of your penis and how many times a day you masturbate. It must be very gratifying for him to see that his son has followed in his footsteps.

As he puffs on his fat cigar, Ben must have fond memories of the special love both of you shared when you were a child.

It takes a special kind of love for a father to overlook his son's humiliation of him on a national radio program.

You expose your father's racism when you talk about how he moved the family out of Roosevelt, Long Island when blacks moved in. I'm certain that Ben enjoys the Klu Klux Klan messages that you play as much as you do. As they say, "Like father, like son". But, now that you're a bigtime radio star you've gotten your revenge on both your father and on the black kids that beat you up when you were a kid. I guess this is why you're a racist. Payback, as they say, is a bitch!

I apologize for thinking that it's abnormal for a father to constantly call his son "moron" and to always be telling his to "shut up and sit down". Obviously Ben's verbal abuse was just another solid building block in the foundation of your career.

But, you eventually got him for treating you that way. Sort of a 'bi-coastal' payback!

I also have to apologize to you Howard for thinking that your wife Alison is just another bimbo. She's not just another bimbo. She's a special bimbo.

Just because she willingly appears on your program and you try to pimp her into having sex with strangers, that doesn't make her a regular bimbo. Trying to make your wife to have sex with the lesbian in Phoenix makes you both special.

If Alison did the same thing on 42nd Street she would probably be arrested for prostitution and promoting prostitution. But, since you do it on the radio, it's not prostitution and promoting, it's free speech and the First Amendment.

And, I guess technically, the way you and Alison solicit sex, she's not exactly a whore. Whores do it for money. In listening to Alison on the radio, it's obvious that she does it just for fun.

It takes a very loving wife to stay with a man who graphically tells his millions of listeners how he sodomizes her while his 'radio pals', Robin, Jackie, Scott, and Gary giggle with delight and Scott Norris plays sound effects of cat screams, barnyard animal noises and that lovely squishing sound of something being pulled out of mud. Man, talk about Arbitrons and great radio! No wonder Westinghouse is so proud of you guys!

The lonely men driving to work must love listening to you graphically describe how you "plowed new territory" with the mother of your children. As they travel down the expressway I'm sure they get off (no pub intended) long before they reach their exit. Thanks goodness for cruise control and cup holders , eh.

Your fans tell me that they love to hear you describe how much your wife enjoys battery operated latex devices. As you said, "Once I used it (a vibrator) on my wife, every time we make love now I have to use it." They think it's especially funny when you use that vibrating sound effect in the background. Bob and Norma must be very proud of their daughter, Alison.

Your more than 20 years together proves that Alison loves you. It also proves that, for enough money and a big house on Long Island, some women will do anything. Some might suggest that it also proves that for every garbagecan, there's a lid.

Alison has gone from your college sweetheart to the mother of your children. It's a beautiful story of love and toleration in a community property state.

You have said that you don't let your children listen to your program and I wonder who takes care of them whenever Mommy and Daddy are on the radio together trying to seduce lesbians?

Oh, I forgot, you don't let them listen to your program and, unlike the rest of the children in America that you broadcast to, the Stern children each have a Nanny to supervise their listening habits.

But, it is a bit hypocritical that you make millions of dollars by broadcasting indecent material to the rest of the children in America, yet you spend that money protecting your own children from those same broadcasts.

And speaking of your children, you and Alison set quite an example for your three little girls.

Daddy's a racist drag queen who wears his mothers drawers and Mommy's a, well you know. You've set such a real Norman Rockwell (or is it George Rockwell) example for your children.

If you can overcome the "eccentricities" of Ben and Ray's home, I know your children can overcome whatever hurdles they may face. With a, as you call it, "three input" mother like Alison guiding them I'm sure they will grow up to become the same kind of woman she is.

And, with the parental influence of you and Alison, I feel confident that your children will find husbands (or significant others) who will respect them as much as you respect their mother.

Maybe they will find someone who will have a pet name for them just as you have for Alison, or as you lovingly refer to her "My Bitch". Husbands who will think of your daughters as whores just as you do. And, husbands who will treat them just like you treat their mother and encourage them to have lesbian relationships so he can watch. Husbands who makes love to them in that special way, just like Daddy does to Mommy.

With the help of Westinghouse/CBS you have become the 'Darling of Hollywood', 'The Master of Bation', and both the 'King and Queen Of All Media'. And, like a production line at a puppet factory, you have spawned Howard Stern clones on radio stations from coast-to-coast.

In fact, as far as "Sternbots" are concerned, radio stations are just like opinions and a**holes, everyone's got one.

You are a credit to your gender no matter what it may be and you should be commended for turning a vice into a career.

I apologize for thinking that you are a racist, sado-masochistic, homophobic, depraved, perverted, anti-hispanic, anti-asian, anti-black, anti-American, anti-gay, mean spirited, overbearing, domineering, six foot tall, transvestite. That was wrong. You're actually six feet, two inches tall.

I apologize for saying that your broadcasts encourage homophobia, racism, sodomy, misogyny, intolerance, and hatred to millions of children all across the country every day. It's just comedy, satire and radio entertainment.

You and the NAB, the KKK, the ACLU, Westinghouse Electric, Michael H. Jordon, Mel Karmazin, O.J. Simpson, Nationwide Insurance, Clear Channel Communications, and all your mothers (or as Howard Stern characterizes them, "whores") should be proud!

I also must apologize to Robin Quivers for thinking she was a proud African-American woman.

I should also apologize to the rest of your wonderfully wacky bunch of merry pranksters as they travel the Yellow Brick Road in search of poppy fields and the Wizard.

Jackie, when you get your brain, I hope you use it and leave the program because without your jokes Howard is nothing. If you don't believe me, just look at some of the newsgroups on the Internet. People really do know who has all the talent. I can get you booked in Las Vegas playing the big rooms. No more second banana for fifth banana wages. Caesars, the MGM, The Mirage. You know that I have the connections. Just tell me that you're leaving Stern's program and it's done! 40 weeks a year in the Big Time, think about it.

Gary, I know that one day you will stand up to Howard and show us that you really had courage all the time. The last time we talked, you told me that you were tired of being pushed around by Stern.

You've got a lot of years of experience and you know everybody in the business. I talked to Monica last week and they're ready, are you?. Get out while you can before Stern quits radio because when he does, you know as well as I do, he's not taking you with him, is he? You know that he's a user and when he's done with radio, so are you. Quit being a baked potato gofer for Stern 'cause Hollywood will give him another one. You've got my phone number, call me.

Scott, you seem to already have a heart, use it. Stern gives you absolutely no respect and you can't keep pushing buttons the rest of your life.

There is only one person who is going anywhere and when he goes to Hollywood for good, the rest of you will be stuck in Kansas forever.

And if all of you look very, very carefully you'll see that there's no Wizard with a crystal ball behind the big, overblown curtain.

It's only Howard Stern, a clown with a bag of tired Carnival tricks.

If any of you guys really think that Stern is going to be loyal to you, just look at how he treats his wife.

And finally, Howard, I want to thank you for making this web site necessary. I'm having more fun than a barrel full of Sternies!

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