Working Together: Question of the Week

When people are as troubled as your co-worker is, the best thing you can do is not respond to her bad behavior. People who act out and behave badly are usually crying for help. And yet whenever it is offered, they often reject it forcefully. It creates an very difficult situation, particularly in an office, as you well know.

While it sounds hard to do, the best way to handle a person like this is to not react to her bad behavior. Sometimes it works to ignore it; other times a response like, "Well, I guess you are having one of your bad days so we'll talk about this later" and leaving her alone works; sometimes, if you can manage it, trying to joke or find humor in the situation can help. It is a trial and error kind of thing to see what works best in each situation. The key thing is not to respond in kind. By that I mean, if she is yelling, don't raise your voice. If she starts bullying you, don't get mad...just walk away.

Most important, though, is to reinforce any time she behaves well. If she does something right or nice, thank her a lot, give her a piece of candy, whatever. Make her feel like she's done something good. Very often people who are troubled develop these bad habits and don't know how to break the cycle. If she is sees that everything is better when she isn't acting out, maybe she will stop or at least do it less frequently.

Your co-worker probably needs professional counseling, but that isn't your responsibility. If your boss is aware of her problems, sooner or later he/she will have to take action if she doesn't get better, In the meantime, you can try to make your office situation a little better by trying the suggestions above.

Hope this helps.
--Cathy Feldman

"My girlfriend is a first grade school teacher, so she has a lot of time off. This makes me very jealous, for I rarely get a day off, let alone a summer vacation! So all her free time angers me, and I tend to take it out on her, and we argue, but I don't think she really understands why I'm so upset! I even get jealous when she talks all the time about how cute or great her students are! How can I get over this hump, and stop being so jealous?!?" 1
--Joe

A lot of people have the idea that being a teacher is an easy job. Clearly your girlfriend likes teaching first graders because she talks about the positive aspects of her job. But it's a lot of work to just to keep control of 20 or 30 six-year-old kids all day, not to mention teaching them the basics of reading and writing.

It might be a good idea if sometime you could visit her class during the day and see what her job is really like instead of what you imagine it to be. The fact that her work day is shorter than yours doesn't mean she isn't doing lesson plans and figuring out how to keep the kids interested and learning when she's not actually teaching. Yes, she has the summer off, but more and more schools are going on year-round schedules, so that may not always be the case. One other thing: she probably earns a lot less than you do.

You need to talk about your feelings with your girlfriend. It's crazy to be mad at her because she's in a job that has different demands on her time than yours.

A better way to deal with your jealousy and anger is to get a teaching degree yourself so you can have summers off too!. Lots of community colleges offer evening classes to let people train for new careers while they are working. Many even offer classes online now. And there is always a need for more good teachers.

Hope this helps.
--Cathy Feldman

"I gotta ask you all how to deal with a rather difficult problem. My boss has this habit where he stands just inches away from you when he speaks to you. I have literarly backed my chair away, way way back and he will simply move forward to get closer. He does this with everyone, men and women! It is so annoying, but no one has said anything to him even though they don't like it. They keep claiming that this is a cultural thing (which doesn't make much sense to me because he's from Holland) but it still makes me very nauseous to have to smell this man's breath every time he speaks to me.

I've only worked for him 4 months but I have the feeling he WILL get offended no matter how tactfully I say something. My question is how do you tell your boss not to stand so close to you without being offensive? 1
--Maria

"How do I get a mentor? I keep hearing about how important it is to have mentors to get ahead these days, but no one where I work seems to be doing anything like that. Most of the people who are running things seemed totally wrapped up in advancing their own careers. If you aren't at their level, you feel like you're invisible. How do you get someone to mentor you? And if you do, is one mentor enough?" 1
--Brett

"Typically you go to somebody who is at the next level up. Don't try to go too high. You are better off to go with your immediate level supervisor because that person is closer to what is going on.

"A lot of women haven't been as organizationally smart as men have. Women tend to be very project oriented and think if they do a good job, that is all it takes. It takes more than just being able to roll up your sleeves and crunch the work out yourself. You have to be able to manage people, manage projects. That's where you need the help of somebody who knows what to do." 2
--Shirley Cheramy

Women should not be too fixated on finding a single mentor; sometimes it just doesn't happen. We learn from many different people at different times. Sometimes it can even be intimidating or awkward for the "higher level" woman to be approached overtly about being a mentor; that kind of one-on-one relationship almost has to evolve from circumstance, not calculation.

Women who are interested in career growth should be alert to ways to learn from other women more advanced in their career stages. My advice is to become very active in the networks that shape your profession -- associations, regional committees, newsletters, collaborative projects within the organization. Active successful women like to encourage others who show that same potential, and will often be alert to giving helpful advice and timely opportunities to younger women they have seen in such groups/projects. Women (and anyone who wants more than just a "job") need to show their flexibility and breadth of interests; sometimes a really effective mentor/advisor is someone not directly in your main area or organization. 3
--Sarah P.

"My baby is twelve weeks old and I really want to continue breastfeeding her for at least six months because I know it's good for her. I returned to work full-time two weeks ago, and my problem is there's no place here I can express milk. I rented an electric pump, but the women's restroom has no electrical outlets. And a public bathroom is not exactly the best environment for that.

"I work in a cubicle so my boss has offered to let me use her office. She has a door that can be closed but not locked -- I jam a chair under the doorknob. But a couple of times she got tied up in meetings in there so I had to scramble around to find an alternative, which turned out to be the computer cable closet. I was scared to death I would bump something and bring down the whole system. Also, I feel like I'm really imposing by taking over her office every day. I'd really appreciate any suggestions from anyone out there who's found a solution." 1
--G.K.

"It's funny to see other women's reactions. One of the women had nursed her son and expressed milk as well. She was completely nonchalant. She said, `Hi, how are you doing. Boy, you sure get a lot fast.' Then the other two women who have not had kids were very embarrassed. One of them would avert her eyes and wash her hands and get out of the bathroom as quickly as she could." 2
--Virginia Jones

First, I located a storage room that was just being used for junk. I mean, nothing important was being kept there, and it even had a big work sink in it, the kind that can be used to fill up buckets. The room wasn't big, but it had electricity and you could put a couple of chairs in. Then I talked to a lot of the women I worked with who had young kids and asked if they would have used a lactation room if it had been there when they first came back. Almost all said they would have loved it. A couple volunteered to help fix up the storage room.

Next I went to see the HR person and presented him with a plan to turn the storage room into a lactation room. I gave him the number of women who said they would like to have it and told him how we would fix it up ourselves. All that was needed was to move the junk to another storage place, and I'd found a place that had room for the stuff too.

Anyway, he was great about. He thought the plan was doable, took it upstairs, and two weeks later said the room was officially a lactation room. He even got the company to fix it up for us...well, at least they cleaned it out, gave it a coat of paint, put in some chairs, fixed up the sink and put a sturdy shelf along one wall. A few of us got together and made it a little more "homey" with pictures, flowers, cushions and things. They put a lock on the door; the key is kept at the HR office, and anyone who needs it can sign it out. Two of my co-workers started using it the next day.

My baby's not due until August, but now I don't have to worry about how to breastfeed once I start back to work (because I AM coming back -- I can't afford not to and I like my job!). One thing I realized out of all this is that I don't think we would have gotten the lactation room if there hadn't been a plan for it. Hope this helps. 3
--Karen

They have tried to "time" the breaks, and every time it comes up, I just tell the women to time the breaks smokers take and take the same time. Guess what, it's always less.

And even if a mom breastfeeds for one year, the baby requires less as she grows. So the 3 times a day of pumping at work during the first 3 or 4 months baby's life goes down to maybe once a day if that. 3
--Esther

"One of the guys I work with didn't come in today because his daughter was sick and his wife couldn't miss any more days at her job. Everyone around here is acting like he's being a martyr and going on about what a great dad he is.

I think it's great too, but I remember all the times I had to leave my kids in makeshift arrangements when they were sick because if I called in like he just did, everyone would think I wasn't reliable. Listen, I'm all for guys really sharing the load, but the reaction to it screams double-standard. Why is it okay for dad and not for mom?" 1
--Nancy P.

I find these things interesting as they seem to indicate that empathy for women can only be generated when men find themselves in the same situations we have.

So what about child support and equal pay . . . 4
--Leslie R.

"I supervise five men. They're a pretty good group but I get the feeling they think of me more as their mother than their boss. They sometimes don't do the jobs I assign them in a timely manner so I end up having to remind them and check up on them constantly...almost nag them. There's no big age difference between us. And I keep hearing about all their personal problems with significant others, friends, kids, etc. I try to be businesslike and fair with them, but it's almost as if they aren't taking me seriously enough. Any suggestions how I can get my guys to treat me more like the boss?" 1
--Mariam R.

Here are a couple of comments from Blue Point Books' "The Men At The Office: Working Women Talk About Working With Men" that deal with this week's question. What do you think Mariam should do?

"Some of the men here are more linear than others. Now I know which ones to go into and say, "I've got five points, a, b., etc." They are comfortable with that.

"Women on the whole don't do it that way. They are all over the board discussing it. By the end of the conversation you've pretty much covered it all but not necessarily in a linear order.

"If women started realizing these differences in communication they might understand when they feel they are being discriminated against, it's not really a matter of discrimination because she's a woman, but because the communication is coming at the men in a way they don't know how to deal with.

"So they stop dealing with you, not because they don't like you as a woman, and they will be adamant to say that they have no problem with men and women. They just want you to think like they think!" 2
--Loni Collins

The informal discussions between you and your staff are key to communication and building the organization of people to do the job. There is a critical balance in maintaining a high standard of professionalism at all times and in achieving functional relationships.3
-Philip Orticke

"I work on the biggest account that my business handles, and I have very little "down time" in the office. I am also a very friendly, outgoing type. The problem I am encountering is that my office seems to have become a social gathering place. Co-workers who have much less work to do, are having personal problems, or are just waiting for someone to get off the phone, feel they can plop down in my office and kill time. I hear about office gossip, emotional problems, family troubles, physical problems - you name it. I appreciate being thought of as a friendly, compassionate person, but when do I get a chance to get my work done?

Sitting next to the xerox machine, fax machine and laser printer doesn't help. either. I'm overrun with questions about how to tell if you fax went through, where's the laser paper, how do un-jam the xerox machine, etc. I've gotten to the point now, when someone brings in their cup of coffee, sits down and wants to chat, I don't even turn away from my computer - I keep typing. They don't seem to be phased.

I don't want to be unfeeling or unsensitive, but I need to get work done. How do I handle this without seeming like a snob?" 1
--L.R.

1. Get an office friend to bail you out. When someone in my workgroup is ambushed, I give them a quick phone call and say "If you want to get out of there, tell the person you just got a call to go see someone, or go to a meeting, or whatever". Works pretty well and has become standard operating procedure for my people - now they help each other out.

2. Put them to work. "Hey, if you have a minute it would be great if you could make some copies for me! I'd really appreciate it." Or send THEM to get your printout. You might develop a whole army of clerical support now that I think about it.... Because you are next to the copier, can you send them over to someone's office to pick something up for you? If you are always helping them out, they should be willing to help you out.

3. The above doesn't work for you because you are next to all of these - so try some subtle hints. Take some of copies of your work and tack them above your desk. In RED thick marker, in the best approximation of your bosses writting, put "HOT!!! NEED TODAY!". Hopefully one look at your wall will give them the picture.

4. It's giving in, but post some of the FAQ on the equipment above the machines. Or, post the phone number of who to call.

5. This should be number one I guess - just tell them that you are busy and don't have time. Unfortunately, as reasonable as this advice sounds, it does not work. People usually miss the message.

Good luck! 2
--Don

This week's question is one I am sure will interest working parents with young children. Even if you don't have a response to the specific question, I thought this might be an opportunity to compare notes. These days working parents often get so caught up in a blur of sleepless nights and hectic days, sometimes just the chance to share stories and tips and advice with our colleagues can help a lot.

Laura wrote to ask, "How can I convince my company that doing more to help me and all the other new moms who work here cope with the costs and problems of childcare is a good investment? I don't know a new mom who isn't constantly worrying about the costs and hassles of getting reliable childcare. It's a constant distraction from our jobs, and this must be hurting the company, but how can you explain that to bosses who want to pretend our kids don't exist?" 1

A few excerpts from "Two Years Without Sleep: Working Moms Talk About Having A Baby And A Job" Ed.

My advice for working women planning to have a family is to find out as soon as you can about the services, daycares, playgroups, school programs, etc., in your area and get on the waiting lists. Periodically phone these organizations to make sure they haven't lost your name, and to update them with any changes to your situation. Securing quality daycare is definitely a time-consuming task which seems to always fall on the mother's shoulders. 3
--Melanie H.

These people are the living saints of our times. I have been able to take advantage of the center -- my oldest child started there when he was a 10 weeks old. I used to go and breastfeed him a couple of times a day. I always took leave or leave-without-pay to go see him, so I did not take advantage of my employer in this respect. My children are almost at school-age, but I still go see them everyday. It's wonderful. I only hope that somewhere, somehow, more women in America will be able to be as fortunate as I have been. 3
--Lucy F.

There is no doubt that many parents are forced into a need of double incomes, forcing tough decisions about where we place our children. At the same time employers may feel, if not approached properly, that the "burden" of child care is expected of them and somehow they owe us that.

I often wonder what the next generation will look like years from now when individuals or organizations have been responsible for the early years of day to day care and upbringing. There is no question that the first 5 years of a child's life directly affects the value systems they grow up with. Having a child and raising that child is the most important "job" we could ever have.

How we cope with our financial needs and raising children is no easy task. 3
--Gordon Ferguson

James is facing a tough problem because he's caught between company policy and his emotions. What do you think he should do?

"Why should I have to lose my job just because my supervisor and I fell in love? Our company has a policy against these kinds of relationships. Since there is no job I can transfer to, even if I'd take a demotion, when any of our bosses find out what's going on, I'll probably have to leave the company.

I don't think a man and a woman falling in love is anybody's business unless the company can prove our relationship is hurting our job performance. In fact, for some reason, we both have been doing better since we fell in love. We don't know anyone who has actually had to deal with a situation like ours, so any advice or feedback on our problem would be greatly appreciated." 1
--James

"I'm not telling them who I'm marrying. I'm not afraid they'll fire either one of us, but I have a real fear of I'll be alienated, not included any more because they think the information about the company will be leaked. There's a fear of being put on the shelf and not being promoted to higher positions because they think I won't keep information confidential from my husband. If I were a man it wouldn't make any difference. But with a woman it will." 2
--Ellen Frazier

If James falls out of love with his supervisor, how is he protected from her unconscious anger towards him? If she terminates the relationship, how is she protected from him going over her head in some unconscious effort to hurt her? How can she truly objectively evaluate his work performance, now or at any time in the future?.

The most ideal situation is one in which James transfers to a position in which his new partner is no longer his supervisor, or that she transfers. I wish him and his new partner luck, because it most certainly is a problem of our times. 3
--Nancy Riggs