Hail To The Chief

HS - Howard Stern
RC - Roger Clinton
Robin: Robin Quivers
Gary: Gary Dell Abate, Stern's producer
 
HS: Roger, Roger.

RC: Howard.

HS: There he is.

RC: How are you?

HS: Roger Clinton, more importantly, the brother's president. I mean the president's brother.

HS: Play the music

HS: My one link to the White House, hanging on a thread.

RC: Howard, you need to check with Gary. He's got a message at his house. As soon as I left Cleveland, I called regarding the FCC. OK

HS: Did you take care of it

RC: Now if you want to give me a direct number to call you. Then I'll call you and give you the regular information. You can call the station and leave the number if you don't want to leave it over the air.

HS: Now let me get this straight.

RC: I called and left a man's name for you to contact.

HS: Oh, really, is that true, Gary.

RC: I also called and found out. If you were to give me a list of three names, I could tell you the man who is responsible because I found out the man's name, I mean, you know it. I can't think of it right now because I wasn't expecting to be hit with it first thing.

HS: Of course, you're going to be hit with it.

RC: Gary will not return my calls.

HS: Really. You won't return Roger's...

HS: Fafafooey. I know Roger Clinton to be an honest man. Are you calling Roger Clinton a liar. Are you calling the president's brother, a personal friend of the show, a liar.

HS: You mean he has returned with information about the FCC, which is the most important issue of our time right now, more important than Haiti, more important than Cuba, more important than anything to me. And you are telling me that you didn't tell me about this.

Gary: Are we doing the honest show?

HS: Yes

Gary I played it for you over the phone.

HS: What Roger's message. And what did you say?

Gary: I said here listen this is a message that Roger left and I played it for you.

HS: What did I say?

Gary: You retained it and said fine.

HS: What was the message.

Gary: He called and said that he had spoken to his brother.

HS: Yes, and what was I supposed to do?

Gary: Roger, remind me of the message.

Robin: This is a very important message and no one can remember it.

RC: Thanks. Robin, I do remember it. Because I gave up trying to reach Howard. I couldn't reach him through Gary. I didn't have your number, Robin. So I didn't know where else to go.

HS: Listen, I have been supportive of your brother.

RC: I even called Gary's home number and left a message on his machine.

HS: Really, Well, he is fired. You are now looking at an unemployed tatatoothie.

RC: Ya'll don't need anyone to produce the show, by chance.

HS: As a matter of fact we do.

HS: Roger, you can be my producer, what do you think of that?

Gary: Roger, Roger, I got a kid coming. Hang tight.

HS: All I know is I gotta get this FCC off my ass. Let me tell you what's going on Roger, than I'll promote the album.

HS: Let me say something. This is what this FCC is pulling on me. Nothing is happening with it. And what they are doing.

Robin: I keep reading things that should mean it has gone away and it's over. But somehow it's never over. I just read something the other day that the court threw out, questions its right to even fine, but the fine still exists.

HS: I don't know, I still have this noose around my neck.

RC: Well, I was told. I can't tell you who told me. That the FCC really doesn't have anything against you, it's just this one man.

HS: So why can't uh your why can't uh why can't uh another person who is more powerful than this person.

Robin: You can't mention any names.

HS: I can't mention a name either. Now this whole conversation, we are not going to mention any names, allright. Let us call the person at the FCC, Mr. X.

HS: While can't this other person . . .

Robin: Deep throat.

HS: Deep throat, let's call him. We are talking about very high up politics, OK, and I can't mention names on the air. Roger, just listen to me.

RC: OK

HS: Why can't this certain person who is very high up in our government, maybe one of the most powerful people in our government. Somehow behind the scenes, encourage the retirement of this one person. There are ways of forcing one out, if you catch my drift.

RC: Yes, I do.

HS: This is a low level bureaucrat we are talking about who can easily be forced ... It's called taking the old cow out to pasture.

Robin: He's making the wheels of justice grind to a halt.

HS: No one else on the FCC believes what this guy is doing, they know it's all unconstitutional, they know it's unfounded, they know it's ridiculous. Public television, the other night Roger, is playing a show with naked breasts, curse words. Uh they used the "S" word, a word I know you don't personally use.

RC: No way.

HS: 27 times, I counted it.

RC: Well, I got the ball rolling. You got the ball rolling actually.

HS: But you did, you see, Roger came through.

RC: Exactly, and I am willing to do it again if someone will go with me and stay in contact with me.

HS: Really, is this high level person amenable to what I am saying? After all, I backed him on Haiti when everyone wasn't backing him. I said it was a good move. Did I not?

RC: This other party?

HS: Should I go over that person's head and go straight to Hilary.

(laughter)

HS: I mean to the person's wife.

(laughter)

HS: You know what I am saying. I didn't mean to use any names. Hilary is a made up name. I'm saying the person's wife, not the Hilary you are thinking of.

(laughter)

Robin: You know a person's wife is now referred to as "the Hilary".

HS: As "the Hilary." You understand what I am saying, Roger.

RC: Yeah, I think I do.

HS: In other words, I need, listen you don't owe me anything, you know that. But as friends, you understand.

RC: Exactlay, and you know I think this situation is a very ridiculous
situation.

HS: I know you do, I know your brother does. Your brother is a very intelligent man. I'm backing him. Someone asked me the other day would I still vote for your brother. Yes. First of all, this is a guy who is working hard.

RC: Thanks

HS: This is a guy who is there every weekend working. The last guy, Bush, you couldn't even get him to show up for work.

Robin: He took the job for the vacations.

HS: You got a guy there who is doing good, he's trying, he's trying to push through legislation. Whatever it is, he's at least working, he's not at that Camp David every two minutes.

Robin: You know what I like, even at the time when Congress was supposed to break and he could have gone off on vacation, he was insisting that they stay and he delayed his own vacation.

HS: You don't know how happy that makes me.

RC: Well, it makes me happy to hear that you're still endorsing him. I think he's doing a great job.

HS: Of course, when your brother says that everyone on the radio all they do is bash him, he's right they don't even care that there is a president trying to do anything.

Robin: That the country's not getting anywhere when they bash him.

HS: I wouldn't mind , you take like a Rush Limbaugh [Stern pronounces "Limbo"] He's a paid lackey, he might as well be a paid lackey of the Republican party. Here is a guy gets on the radio every day says Clinton's no good. Ok, Ok, fine. But if a guy would come out once in a while and say hey when Bush was president, how come George Bush's son was involved in an S&L scandal, where was "Limbo" on that. Why didn't he come out and say something. What about all of these conservative, so called conservative, talk show hosts. I wouldn't mind if once in a while they pointed out when a Republican was doing something bad.

RC: Right.

HS: You hear what I am saying, why isn't he on the side of the country.

Robin: Any sometimes the Democrats can do something right.

HS: And who wants the friggin' Haitians here anyway. The guy did us a big favor.

HS: Hey Roger, what would you rather have, those friggin' Haitians comin' in every damn day, where we have to pay for them or we have to somehow assimilate them into the school systems or wouldn't you just liberate the damned country so they all stay over there. Now answer the question.

RC: Now let me see, diplomatically. It's pretty crowded over there.

HS: You're not the president. You can answer anyway.

RC: It's too crowded as it is over there.

HS: Exactly

Robin: You really think we solved the problem?

HS: We now have a place to put Haitians. It's called Haiti.

HS: Believe me, you take a coupla' cases of Roger's new CD. You throw them em in the boat, you sink them (intelligible) and they go down with a coupla' good tunes in their hearts. Am I right?

RC: That's right. If they are going to go out, they need to go out on
a good note.

HS: So look at you you bastard, you got a record out.

Stern and staff play some cuts from RC's CD

Some sexual jokes.

HS: (Singing over music from the RC's CD.) Called up the president just the other day, I said my good friend Howard need some help today-ay

HS: Everybody's angry now a days. Your brother's gonna fix that, I mean Mr. X

RC: Right, Mr. X and his wife


HS: Of course, Roger's welcome here to promote anytime, because he talked to Mr. X.

HS: One hand, uh, right Robin

Robin: I got one hand.

RC: That's all I need.

HS: Hey Roger, good luck with the record. Thanks for putting in a good word in with your brother, too.

RC: Hey, I'm dead serious, if you would call and leave me a contact number rather than the radio station or Gary's home number, neither one works.

HS: I am doing that today, you can be assured I will do that today. I need help.

HS: Bye bye

RC: Have a good day.

HS: He better get a word to the president for me. He is my last hope.

Robin: He says he's done something.

(Lot's of joking about Gary)

Gary: I played the message for you and you said "Please, tell that guy to leave me alone."

HS: No I did not, you are such a liar.

HS: What are you talking about, I never said that

HS: You realize how serious the FCC problem, that's my one hope right there on that phone on that satellite. What you just said is such an insult.

Gary: I might have been wrong.

HS: All right, obviously. (Laughing) Tell that guy to leave me alone. Why would I tell the president's brother to leave me alone. You must be mistaken.

(Laughing)

HS: Your stupid huge lips did it again. If your wife wasn't having a baby, I would fire you right now.