Stern Show Transcripts

Howard Stern's on-air conversations with his guests:

[Maury Povitch] [Geraldo Rivera] [Lenny Kravitz] [Richard Lewis] [Stacy Golinda] [Steve Rossi]
[Unidentified Bimbo] [Charles Barkley]

Howard Stern's comments about people he doesn't like:

[Kathy Lee Gifford] [Mark and Brian] [Pee Wee Herman] [John Tesh and Connie Seleka] [George Bush]
[Garrison Keeler] [Rick Dees and Jay Thomas] [Chevy Chase]

Howard Stern's comments about:

[His Father's Special Toilet] [His Audience] [Gay Comedy Group 'Planet Q'] [Rights] [Doctors]
[Robin Quivers] [Jackie Martling] [His Wife] [His Daughters] [His Mother]

Guest: MAURY POVITCH

STERN: (Talking with Maury Povitch concerning Joan Rivers)

"I get her hot, the last time she got wet was 1962"

STERN: (Talking with Maury Povitch concerning Mr. Povitch's wife, Connie Chung)

"For an Oriental woman she has got big breasts"

STERN: (Complimenting Maury Povitch)

"You Son-of-a-Bitch you look good"

GERALDO RIVERA

STERN: (Talking to Geraldo Rivera)

"You went through a black phase and then you came back?

Because I heard that once you go black you never come back".

"The closest I came to making love to a black woman was I, uh,
masturbated to a picture of Aunt Jemima on a pancake box"

"I did it right on her kerchief"

LENNY KRAVITZ

STERN: (Talking to singer Lenny Kravitz about Madonna)
"Did you get her?" "She would really dig you, she digs Black guys".
"Did you ever see Truth or Dare . . . there's this woman doing her makeup, right,
kinda of heavy, so she gets drunk one night and she wakes up in a hotel and her ass is bleeding . . .
so she goes to Madonna, she says, listen I woke up drunk and my ass is bleeding . . .
I was with a bunch of guys and I wake up and my ass is bleeding and I'm really upset. . . .
has that ever happened to you (Mr. Kravitz)".

STERN: (Talking to singer Lenny Kravitz' friend Shannon about Mr. Kravitz' former wife, Lisa Bonet)
"What were you doing, Lisa is walking around the house thinking that she could trust you
and you stand there staring at her in her underpants and stuff,
Shannon you should be ashamed of yourself . . . did you ever masturbate and think about Lisa?"

RICHARD LEWIS

STERN: (Talking to Comedian Richard Lewis)

"Do you ever Beat-off to Jamie Lee Curtis?"

LEWIS: "You can't say that on radio, what about the FCC?"

STERN: "Screw the FCC!"

STACY GOLINDA

STERN: (Talking on the telephone to Stacy Golinda cast member of Knots Landing):

" . . . Hey, I've done stuff to myself and thought about you . . .
One time I was laying in bed, right . . . and what a mess you caused . . . my whole bed was a messy . . .
do you wear G-String panties . .
so I pictured you in G-String panties and like no bra on but just like one of those little cut off T-shirts . . .
and the breasts hang out the bottom a little bit . . . and then I did everything to you . . .
do you ever bang a guy during Love Interest scenes . . .
there'd be no room on the screen for my boner . . . I bet your wild in bed . . .
are you completely shaved? . . . when you go to get waxed do you wear your underwear? . . .
does your butt hair hurt when they rip that out? . . . you leave your butt hair growing wild? . . .
I can't get a sense of your breast size on the TV show, are they like a C cup? . . .
would you mind posing in a Mother/Daughter Tampon Commercial? . . .
talk to your Producers and see if I can either bang you or the Black chick . . .
want a little Phone sex? . . . ever do that? . . .
oh I'm so hot right now . . . what are you wearing right now . . . take off your shirt . . . rub your legs . . .
do me a favor say the word WEE WEE . . . say Daddy I want your WEE WEE!

STEVE ROSSI

STERN: (Talking to Steve Rossi):

"I should have kicked you in the Balls".

"You evil Bastard!"

UNIDENTIFIED BIMBO

STERN: (With female in-studio guest who Stern is going to spank on-air):
"I better get to the spanking part of this . . . I'm getting raped and I can't say that I hate it . . .
Are you ready Honey . . . my hand is a little cold though . . .
are you sure that you don't want to take those pants off all the way . . .
that's O.K. they are down far enough . . . what is this a Bikini you're wearin' . . .
you don't got no hair on your Butt . . . she don't have any hair on her Butt . . .
are you finding this erotic . . . are you ready . . . the hair on her Butt is worn off . . .
I love this job . . . are you ready . . . how many do you want . . say, Howard I've been a bad girl, . .
(sound of a "spank") . . how's that . . you like that . . .

"Now put your top back on for God's sake . . .
cover up your chubbies, your ta tas, your Top Decks, your Milk Wagons,
your Chest Melons . . . wow what a top . . . cover up your schlomos".

CHARLES BARKLEY

STERN: (Talking to Charles Barkley):

"Do you remember when Michael Landon was dyin' and
everyone was tellin' him to put Apricot pits in his Ass . . . Coffee enemas and stuff . . .

Stern's comments about: KATHY LEE GIFFORD

"This woman is so disillusioned she thinks she had a baby in the toilet" . . .

"Yeah well I don't know you, you Bitch, you son-of-a-Bitch" . . .

She's so desperate to get herself on TV that she would concoct this cocamammie story about
reaching into the toilet for her baby, there's no baby.

Who reaches into the toilet, it's a period she's reaching in for.

And this woman is always involved with the toilet,

"I reach into the toilet, I pulled out my child,

I named it Johnny Weismuller" . . .

Stern's comments about: MARK and BRIAN

STERN: (Talking about his competition in the Los Angeles market, Mark and Brian)

"First I want to just strip and rape Mark and Brian, I want my two Bitches laying there in the cold naked". . . .

I want them coming to their king and master . . . I want them bleeding from the buttocks . . .
I want them waking up one morning and go 'our buttocks' are bleeding' . . .
'hey my friggin buttocks is bleeding . . . Stern's in town our buttocks are bleeding . . .
oh wait a second, Howard Stern is here, no wonder our buttocks is bleeding'".

" . . . and Mark and Brian are going to suffer and pay for what they did to me . . . two little Pussies with their Dildos . . .

this has been my goal for eight years to get my Ass into California . . . I am just so sick of those two little Pussies . . . "
" . . . now why don't you guys cut your Penis' off . . . you two little Pussies are going right down the tubes . . .

Mark and Boring, two little Pussies . . ."

Stern's comments about: PEE WEE HERMAN

"Let me tell you about this Pee Wee, if they are going to make him do public service,
the service should be he should go to every movie theater in Sarasota (Florida)
and scrub the theater seats where guys drop their load . . ."

"Imagine that I'm going to a movie theater and I'm sitting in Pee Wee's mess".

". . . you're allowed to whip it out and spew that evil gunk all over everybody".

"Pee Wee goes to church and puts his thumb in his ass."

Stern's comments about: JOHN TESH and CONNIE SELEKA

" . . . Can you imagine banging Connie Seleka . . . this girl is so friggin' hot . . . "

"Hey John Tesh, F* *K (BEEP) YOU".

Stern's comments about: GEORGE BUSH

" . . . who couldn't kick Iraq's Ass . . .

I could kick their Ass and I'm a big Pussy . . . then he appoints this Sununu, arrogant Son-of-a-Bitch . . .

how about his other son, Neil Bush . . . and his daughter Fur Bush . . .

to hell with all of you . . . F* *K (BEEP) YOU".

Stern's comments about: GARRISON KEELER

"Hey, Garrison Keeler F**K YOU".

Stern's comments about: RICK DEES and JAY THOMAS

STERN: (Talking about STARS on the Hollywood Walk of Fame):

"I will take a dump on Rick Dees' star . . . and I'll wipe my Ass with Jay Thomas' star".

STERN: To Jay Thomas

"Are you still sucking ass in Hollywood?"

"Have you got your hand in Richard's (Simmons) ass?"

". . . and Jay, F*** You, F*** You, . . . F*** You"

Stern's comments about: HIS FATHER'S "SPECIAL TOILET"

". . . it sucks the smelly air right out of my buttocks . . . it sucks the gas right out of your ass . . .
(this presentation was complete with sound effects of FARTS.)

Stern's comments about: ROBIN QUIVERS

"She's wild, you know she likes getting spanked . . .

we can't keep our hands off of her . . . and then she likes all kinds of sex . .

she's had every kind of sex . . . you know the kind of sex that doesn't make babies . . . nasty sex . . .

you don't know what I'm talking about . . . what do you do to a pancake, you flip it over, right . . .
you'd be smart to hook up with Robin".

"Robin's jugs are double D" . . . "I've seen one of her nipples"

"Show Robin what rape is!"

Stern's comments about: JACKIE MARTLING

"We had a Superbowl party and one guy moon's, he had 'Giants Suck' written on his Ass . . .

Jackie's loaded and he's sittin' there eating wings and ribs and slaw . . . and Tony O bends over so everyone can see 'Giants Suck' on his Ass . . .

Jackie was lubed and he jams his finger into Tony O and Tony felt like a woman raped . . . and Jackie didn't miss a bite . . . after he gave a rectal exam to Tony O he goes right back to eating."

Stern's comments about: HIS AUDIENCE

"Imagine what people are doin' in their cars right now while they're listening . . .
masturbating"

Radio Guest: Gay Comedy Group 'PLANET Q'

STERN: "I guarantee you she'd be a nice piece of ass." "I look at a guy's butt, I see a big smelly thing . . . "
"I can't even take the smell of a guys butt . . . I can barely take the smell of a woman let alone a guys butt."
"All I know is a man's buttocks is no party, I don't see it as a party, you guys do.
To me that's a doody factory and that's all. That's where doody is manufactured"

"And your fingers go exploring this man, is that right?"
"I'd get you so juicy for a man you wouldn't know what hit you."
"Hey any of you guys ever done gerbils?"

Stern's comments on: INSERTING A GERBIL IN THE RECTUM

"You shave the gerbil and the reason you shave him is so that he's slippery and you grease him up with vaseline . . . you put him in a tube. The tube I don't have to tell you where to insert that this is a family program. At the other end of the tube you cut off the oxygen. The gerbil only has one way to run now for oxygen if he wants to live. And believe me they want to live these gerbils, God knows why ' cause look where they're going, I'd rather stay in the tube. So the gerbil runs for air and guess where the air is. So he goes in there and lack of oxygen forces him to squirm around looking for oxygen."

Stern's comments on: RIGHTS

"Everyone's entitled to rights in this country even if we enjoy another man's ass."

Stern's comments on: DOCTORS

MR STERN: (Talking about Doctors and Medicare):

"They fill in the maximum amount . . .
if you go in there to get a wart burned off your Ass they say $3,000.00 . . .

and you don't want to argue with your Doctor 'cause this is the guy who's burnin' warts off your Ass . . .
hey the whole lot of you F **K (BEEP) You . . . "

Stern's comments about: CHEVY CHASE

"You Dickhead"

"Let him go die"

"He's a stupid Dickhead"

"Stupid A-Hole"

"Stupid Ass"

"I told you, you stupid A-Hole"

"You Dumb Ass"

Stern's comments about: HIS DAUGHTERS

"I love getting my daughters excited."

"I want to have sex with my daughter, you're so cute in your jammies"

"My thick fingers will make you feel happier than Barney."

Stern's comments about: HIS WIFE

"I like to put her up on a stove and burn her buttocks."

"I'm just not attracted to my wife's wound, it's not a private part any more, it's a wound"

Stern's comments about: HIS MOTHER

"My mother has beautiful breasts but she wouldn't share them with me."

"I'm lucky I got to see them let alone feed from them"

STERN: Radio interview with his mother:

"You're some Son of a Bitch, Mom."