Overcoming Limitations

I studied for hours, got enough sleep and ate breakfast. I had all of my pencils, erasers, and calculator. I had two hours before the exam so I went to finish my study sheet. Sitting down in the lab I started thinking about how long and how hard it has been to get here. This was my first ever statistics exam and it had taken me twelve years since first enrolling at SBCC to take it. Suddenly I felt light headed; when I looked down at the pages of my book everything looked unfamiliar. I started thinking about everything that rested on this one exam. If I didn’t pass this exam, then I wouldn’t pass the class, and if I didn’t pass the class then I wouldn’t be able to get into UCSB next fall, and if that didn’t happen then I was a failure. Tears started to well in my eyes, my stomach started to knot and I felt like I was choking on air.

I got up and walked out of the DSPS Lab and across to the Health and Wellness Office. I just needed to cry, to let out all of the pressure. A nurse brought me into her office and told me to just let it all go, so I did. I cried for about 5 minutes. I was breathing so hard I almost passed out so she gave me a paper bag to breathe into. I started telling her how scared I was to take this exam, how there was so much riding on it. I told her that I had Attention Deficit Disorder but didn’t know it until just last year, and now that I had been treated for it, I was passing my hardest classes. I told her about the twelve humiliating years that I had endured trying to accomplish what other students did in two years. I told her about the new world that had opened up to me now that I knew about my learning disability. I couldn’t put into words the amazing feeling inside that I had when I passed Algebra 107; passing that class allowed me to dream again. After years of failing math classes I had given up being a success in anything else; I thought I was stupid. I tried to explain to her that if I don’t pass this statistics exam, I would feel all those feelings again. I didn’t want to go back there.

The nurse sat with me for another ten minutes while I calmed down. She shared with me the test anxiety she had experienced when taking the nursing certification test. I felt so grateful to hear that and immediately felt not so alone. I left her office and wobbled back to the DSPS Lab. I took some deep breaths and finished my study sheet quickly so that I could use the rest of the time until my test to relax. I went out into the sun and sat down. I let my body relax so that my mind could be clear. I remembered that before I knew about my disability, I would not have been able to handle the fear, dread and confusion that I felt that day. I was filled with gratitude for the new tools I had been given to overcome those feelings. I visualized myself in the room with the test in front of me and that I knew the answers.

When I finally sat down to take my test, I remembered the test taking strategies that I had learned from the DSPS Math Strategies class. Before I even looked at the test I took several deep breaths. I knew then that the only thing that mattered to me was that I do my best that day. It was a miracle that I was even sitting there with a statistics test in front of me. I calmly looked over the test, set aside a time allotment in my mind for each problem and then began with the easiest problems first. When I didn’t immediately remember how to do something, I left it and went back to it later. I did remember quite a few things after doing the other problems. I answered every problem the best I could and I used every single minute of the test time. When I left the class that day I felt like I had accomplished a great thing. I was tired and drained, but satisfied. I was a success that day, not because I passed the exam, but because I had overcome my disability to do what had previously been impossible to do.

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